The Declaration of Constitution
An American Historical story
Part Two:
The Letters Of Hamilton Adams
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“Over the course of American history, one thing has always held true. Liberals lie. They lie because they hate America. They lie because they think we're stupid.
Starting tonight--their lies will be exposed!
Good evening. My name is Karl Will, Jr, and this is The Lost History of America.”
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“We're back. For quite a few years now, the liberals, especially commies and queers, have been pushing the myth of the Constitution of the United States of America. They claim that it is the founding document of our great nation, as well as the supreme law of the land.
Come to think of it, they might have a point there.
But it wasn't supposed to be the law of the land! The Declaration of Constitution was. The Declaration of Constitution was the superior blueprint for our government. A government that conservatives could be proud of. A government with only one branch. Much more efficient.
But how do we know this? We know this because of the sudden and unexpected discovery of the papers of Hamilton Adams, the brave and ambitious TruePatriotTM politician and tavern keeper who was the only delegate to the convention from Rhode Island.
I know what you liberal elite smartypants types are thinking now. 'Rhode Island didn't send a delegate'.
Wrong. More liberal BS. Rhode Island did too have a delegate. They had to send Adams, because everyone else was too busy.
As a member of the TruePatriotsTM, Adams was part of a select group of Americans who would have fought and died in the Revolution, but had different priorities, so they couldn't. But they would have.
Now, without further delay, the Letters of Hamilton Adams. Right after these words from our sponsors.”
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“The first letter is dated Monday, May 14th, 1787”
Vaguely accented voice that is supposed to be Adams':
My Dear Friend,What a send off to the Convention the boys gave me last night! I believe anyway. There are parts of the evening that I don't seem to recall.
Nobody in Providence knew where the convention was, exactly. Neither did any of the other TruePatriotsTM.
I would have sent a slave to one of the Virginia boys farms to find out, but we can't have slaves in Providence. Which somehow is not fair, it would seem. The Virginia boys get to have slaves, and a bunch of them are sissy elite liberals, too.
So I sent Horace, the village imbiber, to Alexander Hamilton's place in New York to find out when and where the convention was. It's really quite a trip, but it was worth it.
I think that some of these liberals are, perhaps, attempting to keep all TruePatriotsTM away from the proceedings.
But Mr Hamilton proved quite helpful. He said that the convention was to be in a city called Washington, which is right between Virginia and Maryland. Can't miss it, he said. We should be arriving within the fortnight.
“The next letter is dated Wednesday, June 13th, 1787”
Adams: “That bastard Hamilton tricked me! There is no damnable city named Washington! No wonder the locals seemed so jovial.
I have learned that the Declarational Convention is actually being held in Charlotte, and that proceedings have been underway for a time now.
“The next letter is dated Friday, July 6th, 1787”
Adams: What heinous trickery! It would seem that both Federalists and Anti-Federalists are trying to keep we TruePatriotsTM away from this historical event. I have learned through sources secret and clandestine that the meetings are being held in the City of New York, not Charlotte.
I shall arrive soon enough to give all of the scoundrels a piece of my mind, and beat Mr Hamilton to a bloody mess with my walking stick.
“The next letter is dated Thursday, August 24th, 1787”
Adams:
Having searched every street in New York City, we determined to give up the affair and return to Providence. But our driver got lost on the way back, and drove us the wrong way for some distance. We ended up going straight through Philadelphia. Whilst trying to navigate the streets of Philly, I saw that asshole Ben Franklin. What a smartypants elitist he is!At first I thought little of it. I knew that Franklin lived in Philadelphia. Then it occurred to me—he was supposed to be at the convention!
I ordered our driver to turn us around. When we saw him again, he was standing in front of a building, talking to Patrick Henry. Then I noticed others that I knew to be in attendance. Morris, Mason, Gerry...even that little smartass Madison.
I have now discovered the true location of the Declarational Convention! But I will remember this treachery, for it must not be allowed to stand!
“The Lost History of America will continue after these words from our sponsors”
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(End of Part Two—to be continued)
