The Declaration of Constitution
An American Historical Story
Part One:
The Lost History Of America
June, 2011
An American City somewhere in America
Sarah Palin is making a public appearance, very likely at a large public park.
“...it was after the Battle of Lexington Kentucky and that's when President Alexander Hamilton told Colonel George Washington that future generations could be freer than ever now that they didn't have to pay tax to British socialist kings...and, so, y'know, they and the others wrote the Constitution the next day so that the slaves could be free and nobody would ever have to pay tax or buy health insurance and that all men were created equal except for abortion doctors and illegals...”
Suddenly, a well-dressed man with nice hair and sparkling teeth strode up on stage, carrying a very official looking document. Very official looking, indeed.
“...and they all agreed that Jesus should be President, but Jesus didn't want to be President, so they got Ronald Reagan instead...hey!..what are you doing? That's MY microphone, you little...who ARE you, anyway?”
The brass buttons on his navy blue blazer shone brightly in the sun. His teeth sparkled dramatically. The document, not so much, since it was printed on eye-ease paper. He spoke into the microphone that he had just ripped from Sarah Barracuda's hand.
“My name is Karl Will, Jr, and I am here today on behalf of the National Association of Smart Conservatives and Republicans. We at NASCaR have petitioned the Supreme Court for an end to this nonsense! All of this fractured American history...all of this cynical misinformation...why, it's even starting to get to us! Yes, even we are fed up with this shit! People like Mrs Palin here are starting to make all conservatives look like yahoos! Liberals are snickering at us and making jokes about us on their blogs!
We just can't take it anymore. So we got this Cease and Desist order, personally signed by Justice Scalia. It reads: 'Effective immediately, Sarah Palin is not to be allowed to be within 50 feet of a live microphone unless accompanied by someone competent in the subject of American history. Further, she shall immediately report to the office of Senator John McCain for a good span...McCAIN!!! I already told you no! If we could pull that off, I'd have set it up as a pay-per-view...”
“How much?”
“Sarah, just shut up.”
“No really, how much?”
“OK, that's it. Mitt, get her out of here now.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's very true that the Founding FathersTM gave their lives so that we could be free today from government interference and services. They drove the British Army into the sea so that true and free Americans would never again face the indignity of paying taxes to pay for things for poor people. They understood that poor people just don't know what to do with money. They knew that the best way to help the poor was to put them in prison.
I'm getting off subject here, though.
People like Mrs Palin are getting the details wrong sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. We can't get our message out if people like her make all of us on the right look like idiots.
On the other hand, the 'mainstream' American history textbooks are written by a bunch of liberals who hate America. So you sure can't believe that stuff.
I am therefore pleased to announce that, starting this very evening on the FOX News Network, a new educational TV series will premier. It's called 'The Lost History of America'. Sponsored by NASCaR, it features the real history of America. How brave conservatives fought and died for our freedoms, while cowardly liberals subverted our government and our way of life, making us all slaves to the liberal socialist government that we have today.
The first episode is called “The Declaration of Constitution”. Using the notes of that great Federalist Patriot, Hamilton Adams, we were able to piece together the real story of what happened at the Declarational Convention in Washington DC.
We learned that liberal Anti-Federalists lied about everything, and that the Constitution itself is a scam. 'How is that?', you ask. Well, tune in this evening at midnight Eastern Time and find out!”
With that, he waved to the audience and stepped down from the podium. After stopping out back to make damn sure that Palin was on that bus, he got in his Beemer and drove back to his hotel, knowing that his work of informing the American public about the real history of America would never really be done.
(End of part one. To be continued...)
