The Declaration of Constitution

An American Historical story

Part Four:

Triumph of the TruePatriots

“You're watching 'The Lost History Of America', brought to you by NASCaR—The National Association of Smart Conservatives and Republicans. Fighting liberal lies since 2001.”

“By the evening of Sunday, August 26^th, Mr Adams had had enough of the trickery and heel dragging of the liberals, Federalist and Anti-Federalist alike. He managed to gather another 10 delegates from his caucus and took the initiative to write a Declaration of Constitution that very evening. We rejoin Adams that historical eve:

“One quarter hour after 6.
We finally have a quorum at the meeting hall. All but two of our TruePatriot caucus are now here. It is time to get this business done. How difficult could it possibly be to write a Declaration of Constitution? We are largely in agreement on all issues. Lack of debate makes for quicker work.

10 o'clock.
We have the document all ready for the scribes to copy in the morning. I am certain that most of the others, especially Mr Hamilton, will appreciate that we got the work done in short order, that they may now all return to their families and occupations.

It is a simple blueprint for government. Government should be small. So small that it can't do anything. No good can come of it. Unless it is something that is done by royal decree.

To that end, we need to have a king. We read as much as we could of Mr Hamilton's plan. We liked that one best, since there is a king involved. Government can't do anything right without a king.

Mr Livingston Patterson of North Carolina had a most excellent idea. Instead of having Alexander Hamilton as King, as his own plan suggested, we should have a contest to see who should be King of America.

It will be a simple affair. The wealthiest man from each of the several states shall meet at this hall here in Philadelphia. As soon as they and an audience of adequate size are assembled, each of them shall be blindfolded, and locked in a steel cage with the others. The man who emerges alive from the cage will be our new King.

It is a wonderfully simple yet effective plan, and will make the process of organizing a government go so much more quickly. It also assures that whoever becomes our King will have the approval of Divine Providence. After all, any man who could become so wealthy and also survive a battle royal must have God squarely on his side.
The next order of business was taxation. Also a matter of great simplicity. There can be no taxes. Ever. Taxes kill jobs.

Without revenues from taxes, the government must rely on the voluntary donations of its best citizens, as well as the wealth of the King and whatever he can steal.
To this end, all men over the age of eleven will be required to own at least one firearm. With that in place, we will need no Army. It is more important to have a Navy anyway. To that end, all residents of coastal areas will be encouraged to buy or build boats.

The new government of the True American Patriot States (TAPS) is also forbidden to build any roads, maintain a postal service or even an office building. No “government services” of any kind shall be rendered. This obviates the need for a tax. What possible services could a government provide that are not better provided for by the community of business?

The issue of slavery turned very contentious. We must have debated for over a quarter of an hour on the subject.
It is now decided that either everybody gets to own slaves, or nobody gets to own slaves. Otherwise, the very institution of slavery simply isn't fair.

It also became quickly obvious that there could be no adequate compromise to bring about the existence of any legislative body that would not become instantly tyrannical. Fortunately, there is really no need for a legislative body when a nation has a King.

As we crafted these provisions, some of our caucus began producing flasks of refreshing whiskies, which rejuvenated our weary spirits.
It was noted by Mr Colby Clemmons of Georgia that we had not yet provided for a judiciary to punish the wicked. I suggested that judiciaries are rife with lawyers, who are themselves inherently wicked. No good may come of that, either.

Instead, I proposed a system of Divine Justice. The King shall choose a righteous cleric, recommended by Our Creator himself, to oversee justice and adjucate all disputes. This Man Of God shall appoint others to dispense Justice in the various and several states and localities.

These appointments shall be at the whim of the King, and the Lord Our God. May we all rejoice that wicked and imperfect men shall no longer be ruled by other wicked and imperfect men, but rather by God from On High.”

“In less than four hours, the TruePatriots had successfully crafted a brilliant governing document. The same task at which bickering liberals, lawyers, and liberal lawyers had made barely any progress at all in three months. Obviously, liberals are lazy.

We'll be right back with the conclusion of 'The Lost History Of America--The Declaration of Constitution' here on FOX News”

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“Now for the conclusion of 'The Lost History of America'

On the morning of Monday, August 27^th, arriving delegates were quite surprised to find the entire TruePatriot caucus asleep on the floor of the main hall. These men were, no doubt, exhausted from the grueling all nighter that they had pulled. From the notes of Hamilton Adams:

“August 27^th
As it became clear to us last evening that we had finished our monumental and historic task before eleven on a Sunday evening, it was decided that we should all quaff a few drams of whiskey to slake our thirst.
Imagine our surprise to wake up to the shuffling of feet around us!

Gerry and Madison walked up to me as I was rising.
'What is the meaning of this?' Gerry asked in a rather irritated tone.

Pointing to the document on the big table, I proclaimed to them 'We have finished it! The Declaration of Constitution, the founding and governing document of this great new nation of ours! Get the scribes to work at once!'

Madison appeared skeptical. 'How are we to draft and sign a document that we have not debated the merits of? You ruffians weren't even here for the past three months of these proceedings. You have not attended the gatherings or heard the debates. Your only concern seems to be taxation...'

At this point, our entire caucus was once again jumping up and down, shouting out loudly 'No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes!”

I saw the little bastard slap his own forehead. He then conferred briefly with Mr Franklin. He then turned back in my direction.
'Mr Adams, could you and your caucus please come to order? Please, sir? I am certain that the document that you have crafted is more than adequate to the purpose of governance. It shall be expedited with all urgency! Rather than wait for days while the scribes meticulously draft enough copies, I have asked mr Franklin to set it in type instead. By mid morning, we shall have drafts ready for your signatures.'

Madison then called for a recess, and instructed us to return at 10 am.

Upon arriving back to the hall, I noticed that there were no other delegates present other than our caucus and Mr Madison, who was standing in front of the table. There was a pile of freshly printed Declarations of Constitution on the table.

'Has your caucus a delegate present for each of the several states?' he asked. I answered in the affirmative.
'Fine. Then each of you now sign each copy. One for each of your state legislatures, one for each of you as a souvenir, and one for me. Really. I must have one.'
Each of us singed his name 27 times. Many quills were worn out.

Nathan Thorogood for Delaware
Lenny Forsyth for New Hampshire
Bosworth Blair for Massachessets
and on and on until finally it was my turn! My turn!
Hamilton Adams for Rhode Island

I asked Mr Madison when the other delegates would be signing. He responded:
'You must all make great haste back to your home states to gather your legislatures at once! Take your souvenir copy, and I will make sure that the rest of the delegates sign the other copies...later. Afterward, I will send the signed copies to each state by courier. Good luck and Godspeed, sirs'

With that we have each decided to hasten our ways home.”

“Unfortunately, our brave ancestors were tricked by that slimy lawyer, who went on to waste time with even more debates before finally finishing our current constitution almost a month later.

As a result, our very constitution is an illegal sham! The Declaration Of Constitution had already been signed! The US should rightfully be called TAPS and have a King!

A dejected Hamilton Adams would later write:

“Everybody in Providence believes me to be either a fool or a madman! I told the council members that the Declaration of Constitution would be arriving soon, signed by all of the attending delegates. I regaled them with stories of the great new country that we would have, with a real King and no taxes!

But Madison's courier still did not arrive. I told the council that they could simply ratify my souvenir copy. But they refused. They did not believe that the document had widespread support. They also pointed out to me that Franklin had printed the words 'For Novelty Purposes Only” across the bottom of my copy.

Words cannot express my anger and disgust.

When the document did arrive, it was not the one that we had crafted and signed. Rather, it was called 'The Constitution of the United States of America'. It wasn't a bit like the Declaration at all. Taxes. No king. Taxes!

I will never forget the treachery and deception of that little bastard Madison. I have heard that he cut the other drafts of the Declaration into small rectangles, with which he fashions cigarettes of African hemp.
That Goddammed liberal smartass lawyer.”

“So now, folks, you know the truth. The Constitution of the United States is a fraud, all because liberals, lawyers, and liberal lawyers never listen to the True Patriots who are the backbone of our society.

This is Karl Will, Jr. Join us again for 'The Lost History of the United States', here on FOX News.”

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