By Karl Will, Jr., President, National Association of Smart Conservatives and Republicans
Nuclear weapons have been a major force for world peace for decades now. Hiroshima showed the world that you do not want to fuck with a nuclear power. Nuclear power, as in country with nuclear weapons. A country gets special status for having nukes. They let you into the special "Nuclear Club" at the UN.
It's worked for decades now. Fry a couple of cities and a few hundred thousand civilians, that gets someone's attention. But the effect doesn't last forever. Eventually, religious nuts start flying planes into tall buildings. You can't nuke 'em, 'cause they're already dead. So it's past time to nuke somebody. You know, as a reminder. Besides, what good is having nukes if you can't use them to maintain world peace?
Canada is definitely getting uppity about our oil. They want money for it. Screw that. They've never even thanked us for not invading them. President Polk campaigned for office using the slogan "54-40 or fight!", which referred to us getting all of Western Canada up to the Alaska border. But the British wouldn't give us all of Alberta and British Columbia, and now there are hosers sitting on our oil. Our oil, not theirs. If it was their oil, they'd just waste it, anyway.
Polk was a wussie. He just gave the sissy British pretty much everything they wanted, and never did do that fighting he promised. He did invade Mexico, though, so he wasn't all bad.
But I digress. It is time to launch the Nukes For Peace program. Just a gentle reminder that we didn't fight them then, but that we just might be reconsidering now.
See, that was easy now, wasn't it? Now give us our oil, hoseheads, and stop sending us crappy beer! We want everything up to 54 40 latitude or Edmonton's toast!
I realize now what was wrong with JMadison's earlier nuclear proliferation done right proposal. If everybody had nuclear weapons, then nobody could ever use them without fear of retaliation. We need to be able to continue to use them without fear of retaliation. After all, we're only using them for humanitarian purposes. Nothing bad.
We still need to be able to invade smaller countries without getting nuked ourselves. Otherwise, all of our wars since WW2 would not have been possible. Our invasion of Iraq wouldn't have been nearly as easy if Saddam Hussein really did have WMD's. But he didn't, and we did.
Shock and awe!
We really don't want to nuke Russia, China, or France, no matter how tempting it may be at times. They might nuke us back.
Canada seems like a much better target. It's not our fault that they never started their own nuclear weapons program. It's not our fault that they won't give us our land and our oil.
Namby pamby commie socio-fascists will complain about things like setting unarmed people on fire just for demonstrative purposes. To them, I say, "Stuff a sock in it!" If it was good enough for Harry Truman, then it's good enough for me. Even if he was a Democrat. Frying a couple of cities is a good object lesson. Showed them.
Another interesting advantage to nuking Canada is the fact that you don't have to worry about killing children or the elderly. Canadians don't get old or have children, since they're all evil socialist robots. Sociobots. That makes it OK to nuke them. Well that, and the fact that they're sitting on top of our oil. In addition, there is increasing evidence of Canadian hostility towards the US.
We have to do something before they use up all of our oil!
Brought to you by:
The Nukes for Peace Foundation
AND
The National Association of
Smart Conservatives and Republicans
