"Knowledge will forever govern ignorance"

--James Madison--

"The real division is not between conservatives and revolutionaries, but between authoritarians and libertarians"

--George Orwell--

The Great American Fascist Conspiracy--Part 2

17 minutes of commercials

"You're watching the Historical Channel, not to be confused with the liberal revisionist History Channel.  The Historical Channel--we give you the real truth without the liberal lies.  Up next, on 'The Lost History of America', the second installment of 'The Great American Fascist Conspiracy', hosted by Karl Will, Jr.  We'll be back right after these messages."

17 minutes of commercials

"Good evening.  I'm Karl Will, Jr, President of the National Association of Smart Conservatives and Republicans, and this is 'The Lost History of America'.

This evening we are bringing you the second installment of 'The Great American Fascist Conspiracy', a joint effort by us at NASCaR and bona fide historical expert JMadison.  JMadison is well known for bringing solid historical research and commentary to all of his projects.  He uses tried and true patriotic conservative historical expert methods.  He just makes things up.  Sometimes, that's the only way top get at the real truth.

In tonight's episode,  he recounts the efforts of mostly Democrats, but also some Republicans, to bring fascism, socialism and socio-fascism to our great country.

Now, without further ado, we present part two of the "Great American Fascist Conspiracy'." 

17 minutes of commercials

It had been a slow few weeks.  General Zachary Taylor was bored:

...oops, wrong documentary...

After Woodrow Wilson kicked it,  fascism in the US floundered, mainly for lack of interest.  Most US politicians, and especially Republicans, thought that our system of cronyism and graft was superior to European style fascism.  After all, it's not so much about power as it is about money.

They thought that the European fascists were too hung up on power.  Power, after all, is just another tool for gathering money.

Warren Harding was Wilson's successor.  Harding was serious about maximizing bribery.  How else could a wealthy publisher afford to become a politician? 

When a young reporter asked Harding if he was going to attempt to revive Wilson's attempt to revive the Great American Fascist Conspiracy, Harding replied "What the hell are you talking about, son?".

The reporter told Harding about the concept of a corporate state.  Harding waved dismissively.  He said "I told the American people that we were going to get government out of business.  And we will, as long as they keep paying us to stay out.  This fascism thing sounds like it would put the kibosh on that.  I think we'll pass.  Now excuse me.  I have to go collect some goodwill."

Tragically, Harding croaked while on a trip out west to collect goodwill.  Smartass liberals will point out that he might not have died had there been an FDA and food safety laws.  But there is no way that a true patriot like Harding would ever agree to something so socio-fascistic.  He would rather have died than put a burden on businesses above and beyond paying bribes.  He once said "The business of America is business, not regulating business.  Unless the money stops coming.  Then we'll show 'em some regulating!"

After Harding's death, he was succeeded by his Vice President, another good Republican named John Calvin Coolidge.  Who liked to be called "Cal".

Cal Coolidge was an idiot.  But he was a happy idiot.  Someone once told him that if you were an idiot, you could fool people into thinking that you weren't an idiot by not talking.  So he said as little as possible.  People called him 'Silent Cal', because they thought that his silence meant that he was a resolute, no bullshit kind of guy.

But really, It just meant that he was an idiot.

There was a banking crisis during Coolidge's Presidency.  But, being an idiot an all, he didn't know what to do about it.  So he bravely did nothing at all.  It takes a real idiot to do nothing when something needs to be done.  But Silent Cal was a true patriotic Republican who was damn proud of his inaction.

Besides, what was he to do, other than maybe try to get Congress to enact job killing banking regulations?  No, that would be un-American, as well as socio-fascistic.  It would also have taken a leader who wasn't an idiot.  It would have taken a Democrat.

This fascism thing crossed his mind.  He didn't have the slightest idea what it was.  He just knew that what he wasn't doing wasn't working. 

He had an aide telegraph Mussolini to set up a secret meeting to talk about it.  Unfortunately, Coolidge had hired an entire staff of idiots, and they didn't know what to do when the reply came in Italian.

One young idiot remarked that the language looked like the writing on the menu of a restaurant where he ate on occasion.  "Give it to me, and I'll have Luigi take a look at it.  I think he speaks this Mussolini language".  So they gave him the telegram, which he folded neatly and put in his suit pocket.

Then everybody promptly forgot all about it.

1929 came, and Silent Cal silently went back home.  He was tired of being President.  It made his head hurt.

Hoover won the 1928 Presidential election.  This was unfortunate for him.  He had picked one hell of a time to become President.  Banks kept failing left and right, mostly because of a rapidly deteriorating real estate market.

He liked to play with radios.  He thought radios were tres cool.  But he wasn't an idiot like Coolidge.  He was a wise and intelligent man who made a lot of really crappy decisions.

At least the stock market was humming along.  Business must be good, right?  Maybe it was time to look into this fascism thing again.

A secret roundtable meeting was called.  The President, his top advisers, and key members of Congress had a big confab with captains of industry.  Who immediately started in on each other.

Edison kicked Ford in the crotch.  Ford knocked Edison out with a single punch.  Firestone decided to go buy some politicians while the other two were fighting.

After beating the shit out of the 82 year old Edison, Ford came back to the discussion.  He told Hoover that a fascist dictatorship would be fine with him as long as he got to be the dictator.

Hoover, after stuffing his pockets and briefcase full of 20's and 50's, decided that that might not be the best arrangement.  Things were working out OK for him, at least.  Not only that, but the stock market was chugging along just fine... 

Oh well.

Damn, that sucked.  Now what?

"'The Lost History of America' will return right after these messages..."

17 minutes of commercials

"You're watching the Historical Channel.  We now return to 'The Lost History of America'"

They tried lowering taxes and balancing the budget.  Which was very patriotic, but it didn't seem to help anything.  They looked for another war to get involved in.  They took more bribes.

Nothing seemed to help.  Time ran out for Hoover and the Republicans in 1932, when FDR was elected.

Like his distant cousin, FDR was interested in socialism.  But he also believed that Madison and Wilson were good Democrats, so he decided to check out fascism as well.

By the time of the 1936 election, it had become apparent that FDR's commie socialist agenda would not revive the US economy.  But maybe, just maybe, European style fascist policies would help.

So he had a Secret Fascist Summit right out in the open, to keep it secret.  He talked to the fascists.  He liked Franco better than Mussolini.  He thought that Mussolini was a sourpuss, while Franco was more laid back.
Henry Ford told FDR that Franco was a stand-up guy.  FDR listened to Franco as he gave advice on setting up forced labor camps and choosing sites for mass graves.

'But what about unemployment, taxes, and corporations?' FDR asked.

Mussolini looked bored.  He didn't speak English, and had no idea what the other two were saying.

Franco responded "It all works together.  Forced labor camps keep unemployment down.  We don't need taxes--the corporations are part of the state.  Anybody who complains will stop complaining soon enough.  I recommend two weeks." 

FDR decided that he had heard enough.  He liked the part about becoming dictator for life.  That was something to think about.  The rest of it sounded kind of dicey.

A few years later, of course, WW2 came along.  Now some fascists and some commies were our friends for a few minutes while the good ol' US of A kicked Hitler's butt.  All the commie socialist Brits and Russians could do was watch in awe as we saved their sorry asses.

FDR held another secret summit in the open, this time with the socialist commies:

It was decided that Churchill was pompous and stuffy, and that Uncle Joe just plain old had a stick up his ass.

Not long after that, FDR kicked it.  Which was probably because he was a socialist commie dictator himself.  If he just hadn't pushed that damn Social Security, God would probably have let him live longer.

Harry Truman assumed the Presidency, and celebrated by setting hundreds of thousands of Japs on fire.  Fascist conspirators the world over asked--is this it?  Has fascism finally become fashionable in America?  Or is it just a passing fad?

Really, though, it wasn't fascism at all.  Just a socialist commie Democrat President who really liked blowing stuff up and setting people on fire.  That's not real fascism, folks.

It's hard to believe that a man like that would also be a commie, but Truman was just that.  He wanted universal health insurance.  He wanted commie unions to destroy the moral fiber of America.

He was sort of fascist, but not really fascist.

For a few dark years, America fell firmly into the grip of socio-fascism.  That's the bad kind of fascism.  In fact, it's not really fascism at all.  But it makes socialism sound scarier when you put "fascism" right after it.

It took a Republican to pull America back from the brink of permanent socio-fascism.  One who was unafraid to embrace fascism.  I mean, really embrace fascism.  Face to face.  Maybe even a little tongue...

Frankie liked Ike.

"'The Lost History of America' will return in a flash!"

17 minutes of commercials

"We now return to 'The Lost History of America'"

"That was Part Two of JMadison's narrative photo essay, 'The Great American Fascist Conspiracy'.  I am informed that he is now working on a third and final installment.  We will probably bring that to you after he finishes it, because we really don't have that much material.  

This is Karl Will, Jr, and this has been 'The Lost History of America'"

17 minutes of commercials