It all started with James Madison. Not me. The real James Madison. He was responsible for bringing fascism to the United States.
Unknown to the rest of the world, he and Napoleon Bonaparte had a secret meeting on March 17, 1813. This was the beginning of a conspiracy so vast and deep, even the secret meetings were, and are, held out in the open surrounded by cheering crowds.
They made an unholy pact. France and the United States would aid each other in establishing worldwide fascism. In addition, the US would provide France with enough plutonium to build a nuclear weapon with dial-a-nuke variable yield capability. They agreed to this even though neither one of them had never even heard of plutonium, nuclear weapons, or fascism.
The biggest problem with their secret plan was that they kept it so secret, nobody else was in on it. As a result, not much happened on the fascist conspiracy front after Madison's death in 1836.
It wouldn't be until 1898 until further progress was made in the Great Fascist Conspiracy. That's the year that William McKinley decided to get serious about fascism.
I mean, really fucking serious. McKinley was nothing if not serious.
He started by trying to coerce the Spanish to share the secrets of fascism with him. But the King didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, so he declared war on Spain and took their shit.
He was just about to go to Italy for help when a left-wing nutjob walked up to him and shot him.
His successor, TR, wasn't interested in fascism. He was interested in socialism, but he couldn't really tell anybody, lest they think that he was a socialist.
He started by trying to coerce the Spanish to share the secrets of fascism with him. But the King didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, so he declared war on Spain and took their shit.
He was just about to go to Italy for help when a left-wing nutjob walked up to him and shot him.
His successor, TR, wasn't interested in fascism. He was interested in socialism, but he couldn't really tell anybody, lest they think that he was a socialist.
He thought that national health insurance and a universal old age pension would be great ideas. As soon as other Republicans heard this, they started calling him a socialist.
TR said "I am not a socialist", but the party leadership said "You are, too!"
"Am not"
"Are too"
"Am not"
"Are too"
"Am not"
"Are too"
"Am not"
"Are too"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
They eventually got sick of him and replaced him with William Howard Taft, who got right back to fascist conspiring. Taft thought that fascism was not only cool, but the wave of the future.
TR spent the rest of his life writing books by the dozen explaining that he wasn't really a socialist.
Meanwhile, Taft was making headway. Some Italian academics had actually come up with a real political philosophy called fascism. Now all of the conspirators could breathe a bit easier, since they finally knew what fascism was.
It was confusing. You were supposed to absorb all businesses, unions, and social organizations into something called a "corporate" or "organic" state. Or something like that. You were also supposed to kill everybody who objected to the arrangement.
Many of the conspirators left the conspiracy at this point. Taft summed it up best. He said "If we put everything under strict state control, then who's going to pay me my bribes?"
Most of the other conspirators decided that he had a point. Everybody lost interest in fascism for a while.
But not for too long. In the winter of 1916, Woodrow Wilson was rummaging around the White House pantry, looking for some cookies. In a dark recess, he saw a cookie jar way in the back. It was old. It was inscribed "James Madison's Cookie Jar". Aha! He had found it! James Madison's legendary cookie jar!
Darn. He wanted cookies.
Upon further inspection, he saw that the jar had a false bottom. Inside the secret compartment were--no cookies! But there were some rolling papers, and a small envelope.
Inside the envelope was the Secret Treaty that had been secretly negotiated and signed in front of thousands of people by Madison and Napoleon. At that moment, it became clear to Wilson that the US must intervene militarily on France's behalf in order to preserve the two countries' mutual interest in fascism. The future of worldwide fascism was in his hands.
He did, of course, rise to the occasion and got America into a war for no terribly good reason other than to perpetuate the world's oldest fascist conspiracy. One so old that it predated fascism itself. Madison and Napoleon were right. One day, it would all make sense.
But still, nobody was quite sure what plutonium was. Or what it had to do with fascism.
But still, nobody was quite sure what plutonium was. Or what it had to do with fascism.
After the war, Wilson went triumphantly to Paris to strut his stuff.
