My fellow Americans,
The Speaker of the House won't even take everything he asked for as a compromise. Senate leaders are engaged in a perpetual staredown. I have never in my life seen elected officials so hell bent on accomplishing absolutely nothing.
Conservatives call me a communist. Liberals call me a fascist. Some teabaggers have even called me a communist fascist.
So, after much soul searching, and a few high level consultations, I have come to a decision. The time has come to say this:
Mr Boner, you can suck on my long half black schlong.
Reid and McConnell, you are respectfully invited to just shut the fuck up now. We don't need a bucketful of lies to explain why you can't just do your goddammed jobs.
I say this to all of you with all due disrespect intended.
Bite me!
So this is my decision on the stupid debt ceiling shit. We're just going to keep borrowing money anyway. Just try to stop us. What are you going to do? Call in the Army? My Army? How about the Capitol Police? Yeah, that'll work. Send the Capitol Police down here to arrest me. Cynthia McKinney didn't have her own fucking army. I do. Let's see you try to start some shit.
Maybe you could ask the Supreme Court to intervene. Maybe I could put the Supreme Court under house arrest.
That's right, folks--as of right now, I am the Presidente Generalissimo Maximo Para Vida. The head Mukky-Muk. Your dear fucking leader.
To all of the members of our legislative bodies, the House of Representatives and the Senate--go home! We don't need you anymore, because I am the law! The law and the Constitution say whatever I say they say. If you don't like it, that's too fucking bad. Go home! Try to find something useful to do.
As I said earlier, conservatives have been calling me a commie. So, you know what? You got it! I hereby declare a 100% tax on all income in excess of mine. If you made more than me, then fork over the rest now! I'm going to use the money to hire a whole bunch of poor people, especially minorities. Give them good government jobs with benefits.
Then I'll turn 'em loose on you. Better not try to cheat on your taxes!
I'm also going to give some of these people the responsibility of finding illegal aliens and then giving them your money, just to chap your ass.
Is that communist enough for ya? How about I just take all of your shit and give it to icky poor minority people?
As far as you liberals calling me fascist, I'll show you fascism. You wanna see fascism? Then just keep on whining about fascism on your little internet blogs. Since I'm the Unitary Fucking Executive and shit, I'll just send my army out to find you and round you all up. We'll set you up with a nice labor camp.
Then we'll give you all laptops so you can keep whining about fascism.
And I'll pay for it all with illegally borrowed money. Just try to stop me.
Earlier, I called a meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to discuss these matters, and to make it clear that I'm really fucking serious here. They weren't as supportive as they could have been towards some of my proposals, but they all really like the part about putting liberals in labor camps.
They also all agree that I'm Numero Uno. The Big Cheese. The Commander In Fucking Chief! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
My Army! My rules!
